Like everyone who knows how to prioritize what’s important in life, I immediately disregarded all that monotonous rioting out of Missouri and focused on what we can glean from the newly released Jurassic World trailer. Watch it before you do anything else!
I know nothing about this movie other than what I saw in the trailer, but let’s analyze the flick’s ridiculous plot:
Apparently a mother and father–being loving and protective parents–thought it prudent to send their two boys–alone–for some fun and sun to an island crawling with tyrannosaurs. What could possibly go wrong? Mommy’s so excited, telling her youngest: “And remember, if something chases you–run!” Hey, mom: “No shit.” Sorry, that’s me. If you’re put off by blue language, then you shouldn’t have read that.
We see a tour boat cruising to a tropical island, and then people are on a train. Then the gates open to Jurassic World and we zoom inside! Finally, billionaire John Hammond’s long-imagined theme park now allows the same people who can’t name the vice president to munch cotton candy while gawking at ostrich-like, razor-clawed monsters that know how to open doors.
Next, we see Jurassic World’s sun-drenched main street teeming with tourists who are going in and out of souvenir shops and restaurants. It’s like a scene out of Disney World! (Yes, the tourists are bitching about $25 cheeseburgers–that don’t even come with a goddamn side of fries. And, if you can believe it, Jurassic World charges $100 for a plush triceratops that was made by slave labor in China. How much you wanna bet it’s stuffed with lead paint chips?)
Wow, Jurassic World, based on a few seconds of footage, is a safari! They’ve crammed tourists into a massive six-wheeled truck to drive them across grassland to see (I’m guessing) gallimimuses running alongside the vehicle! Kids, keep your arms inside the vehicle at all times, lest you wind up with bloody stumps right below your shoulders!
Not only can you cruise the savanna, you can — Jurassic World really lets you do this — board canoes so you can paddle down a river and watch stegosauruses and brontosaurs–that are about 50 feet away from you–lingering onshore. And I’m positive that if you piss off the brontosaur, you’ll easily be able to out-paddle it as it charges into the river to get you.
Next up, the Gyrosphere! I’m guessing Jurassic World is set in the future, a future where two children are deemed mature enough to man a gigantic mechanical hamster ball and roll next to a sauropod that, according to Wikipedia, can weigh up to 122 metric tons. And I’m guessing this is all on the first day! (Side note: Do you think Jurassic World charges extra to ride the Gyrosphere? Those bastards probably do. I mean, we’ve already dropped $1,000 for each general admission ticket–do you know how expensive that park’s insurance premiums must be?–and now they want me to spend an extra $250 to slip inside a ball after I’ve already wasted $125 on a cheeseburger and a poisonous stuffed triceratops. I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way I can afford the hookers in this place.)
Oh, Jurassic World has a Sea World-like amphitheater abutting the ocean, but instead of watching a dolphin leap from the water to snatch a cheese doodle (or whatever it is they eat) from a cheery teenage girl’s hand, we see–are you kidding me?–a great white shark hoisted 100 feet above the seawater? I don’t know about you but I’m shitting bricks at this point. Oh my GOD! A mosasaurus just sprang from the ocean and chomped up the great white shark whole! Not only that, the prehistoric sea monster splashed down in the “tank” and drenched the tourists closest to the edge. And the tourists are giggling, like Gallagher just splattered them with watermelon! That’s the exact moment when I yank my wife and son by their arms and say “We’re getting the fuck out of here!”
Uh-oh, I hear nefarious-sounding music and see Ron Howard’s daughter (sporting an evil Cruella de Vil-like look) for the first time since The Village. Something sinister’s up! Now we’re in a laboratory with eggs incubating and Ron’s daughter explaining mankind has mastered genetics and this has enabled Jurassic World to create a “genetically modified hybrid.” Now I’m hearing sounds similar to the new Godzilla’s creepy roar, and a hunky rugged guy saying “You just went and made a new dinosaur? Probably not a good idea,” and see a 4o-foot-tall wall with scratches all over it. Some other dude’s saying “You really think she climbed out?” Hunky rugged (and increasingly worried-sounding) guy says it depends on “what kind of dinosaur they cooked up on that lab.” Stop the tape!
If you’ve mastered genetics and are going to create a dinosaur–knowing full well that Jurassic World’s forefathers didn’t fare too well in the taming-genetically engineered-dinosaur department–why would you concoct a machete-toothed abomination that, according to hunky, rugged, looking-over-his-shoulder-every-five-seconds guy is a “highly intelligent animal” that will “kill anything that moves”? Can’t these white-coated geniuses brew up a cuddly dinosaur that has Hello Kitty’s temperament, marshmallow teeth, and can poop TCBY frozen strawberry yogurt? There’s something for everyone in there. But no! Now Ron Howard’s daughter is sweaty, scared and taking on the appearance of Ripley from Alien. Something huge is now chasing–making the earth thunder as it runs–after hunky, rugged, get-a-new-pair-of-underwear-scared guy. Oh, and now the frightened tourists are stampeding through Jurassic World’s main street, fleeing from something. Ron’s daughter screams “Run!” But from what? A terrified little boy is standing in the shadow of an enormous growling … we’ll have to wait for June 12 to see what. Hang on, it’s not over. Three or four velociraptors just burst from the starting gates you’d expect to see at the dog track. I’m not sure if this is an attraction–“Hey, kids, hurry up or we’ll miss the 12:45 velociraptor race!”–or if the dinosaurs escaped. Knowing Jurassic Park, it’s the latter. Yup, they’re now running alongside hunky, rugged, scared-to-the-point-of-exhaustion guy who’s riding a motorcycle at night. (Hell, why not?)
I can’t wait to see this movie even though it’s totally preposterous!